To The Rude Guy in Apartment Five- Chapter One

Check out an extended teaser below for my upcoming book, To The Rude Guy in Apartment Five!

Preorder here on: Amazon US, Amazon UK, Amazon AU, Amazon CA, iBooks, Nook.

Chapter One 

Dear World,

It has been 450 days since I’ve had sex. Not that I’m counting or anything. But let’s be real 450 days is a lot of days. That’s over a year. I’m dying here. I mean, I know I could just have sex, but I want to be wined and dined as well. I want to believe that the man actually has feelings for me, not like the time I slept with that guy from the gym: he finished, high-fived me and then left to meet another girl for dinner. And to top it off, he was like, “That was fun, Susana, let’s do it again soon.” My name is Magnolia, so we both know that while I smiled on the outside from my bed as I watched him leaving, I was crying on the inside. In other news, I have an interview tomorrow for a job that would allow me to write for a living instead of selling makeup at the mall (which frankly wasn’t fun). Fingers crossed that it goes well. I’m really in need of an inflow of cash. My rent just went up $200 a month and I really need a paycheck because my savings is nearly at zero. No cash, no job, and no sex doesn’t make for a happy Magnolia Allen. Not at all.

Until next time, Y’all!

XOXO

Magnolia

To All The Residents of Bush Towers,

We would like to welcome our newest resident Jagger Scott to Apartment Five.  He is relocating from New York City and will be moving in this weekend, so if you could ensure to keep all hallways free and clear and try not to use the elevator too much, it would be appreciated.

Thank you.

Bush Towers Management

P.S. Please be informed that rent is due on the 1st of each month. You have a grace period until the 5th and after that, you will be charged a late fee.

Hey Apartment four,

Sorry about your knocked over plant. My moving guys hit it by accident.

Your New Neighbor at Number Five, Jagger

To My New Neighbor at Number Five,

You knocked over my plant and left it knocked over. There is soil everywhere. Also, was it you or one of your guys that spilled your coffee on my doormat?

Your Neighbor at Number Four 

Hey Number Four,

Wasn’t there a book with that name? I am number four? Or something? Was that you? Don’t know who spilled the coffee. I don’t drink caffeine. Maybe a different neighbor that dislikes you? I wasn’t sure what to do with the plant. Sorry about the soil. It looked a bit dry, so maybe you should worry about watering it first. I’d like to make it up to you though dude. Maybe we can go for a beer sometime?

Your Neighbor at Number Five, Jagger

P. S. Do you have a name?

To My New Neighbor at Number Five,

I don’t drink beer. Also, the plant you knocked over was a succulent. The soil doesn’t need much water. Are you sure you don’t drink coffee? There was an empty white cup outside my door this morning and it had the words blue bottle coffee stamped on it. Please stop leaving your trash outside my door or I will make an official complaint to management.

Your Neighbor at Number Four

P.S. Yes I do have a name.

P.P.S. I Am Number Four is the name of a book by Pittacus Lore. There was also a movie made starring Alex Pettyfer. I am neither the character in the book or the actor in the movie.

Hey Number Four,

Are you sure that wasn’t your coffee cup and you’re just trying to blame it on me? Haha. Also, do you work the night shift or something. I knocked on your door last night to share some brewsky’s with you and no answer. I know you don’t drink beer but I had whiskey as well. I’ve never read the book but an ex made me watch the movie. It was shit. Hence the reason she’s an ex. She had a banging body but her taste in movies was like her taste in clothes. What bars do you recommend around here? My bed is feeling cold and it’s not just because the city by the Bay seems to have made an enemy of the sun.

Your New Neighbor at Number Five, Jagger

P.S. And your name might be? What are you a cop? So secretive.

To My New Neighbor at Number Five,

I was out last night, but no need to return. I don’t want your beer or whiskey. I also don’t want your trash. Please do not leave it outside my door. There is a trash chute to the right of the elevator. I do not frequent bars so I cannot help you. Maybe you should get a giant doll to keep you warm. 

Your Neighbor at Number Four 

P.S. I’m not a cop, but I see no reason to share my name with you as you’re someone I wish to avoid.

P.P.S. And in case you’re wondering, I wish to avoid you because you’re rude. Or rather I should say RUDE!

Hey Number Four,

It’s a good thing you didn’t live in apartment two or I’d have to call you number two. Ha! I hope you’re down for a little bathroom humor. But what guy isn’t? Am I right? I spoke to the girl in Apartment one and she told me your name is Allen. I think she might have the hots for you. She was pretending like she knew nothing about you, but I think she wants to bang you. Women always pretend they know nothing when they really know everything. You can buy me a beer after you bang her. She’s a looker for sure. Big tits, small waist. No ass though. Not sure if you’re an ass guy. 

Your New Neighbor at Number Five, Jagger

P.S. I left you a bag of coffee. You’re welcome.

P.P.S. Have you tried those giant dolls? They’re cheaper to take on a date, but plastic pussy is too cold for me. I like my cock to be kept warm. You know what  I mean? 

To The Rude Guy in Apartment Five,

I don’t want your coffee. I don’t want to bang Kathy from apartment one. And no I don’t appreciate bathroom humor. I’m over the age of five. How old are you? Actually don’t answer that. I don’t care. Also, my name is not Allen.

#4 Neighbor

P. S. Stop leaving notes on my door. Thank you!

Hey Number Four,

I would actually put you in the first position for neighbor if I were to actually meet you. I would stop leaving notes on your door, but you keep leaving notes on mine and it would be rude to ignore you and not write back. So Kathy is fair game for me? Is that what you’re saying? To be honest, I’d bang her but she seems the sort that would be drama. I don’t want her turning up at my door at 3 in the morning, you know what I mean?

Are you ever going to tell me your name? Do you like Guns and Roses?

The Rude Guy in Apartment Five AKA Jagger

P.S. There was no need to grind up the beans and leave them outside my door. If you really didn’t want them then you could have just thrown them out.

P.P.S. Know any good strip clubs around here?

To The Rude Guy in Apartment Five,

I do not frequent strip clubs. I don’t care who or what you bang. I do not care if 

Kathy shows up at your door at 3am or 10pm. I do not care about Guns and Roses. I have no wish to hear about your sexual exploits. Not that it’s any of your business, but I am a woman. You need to find another bro to befriend.

#4

Hey Number Four,

I was starting to suspect that you might be of the fairer sex. Explains the blasting of Ed Sheeran yesterday morning. Not to be rude, but Ed Sheeran? Let me be honest with you, “I’m in love with the shape of you” is the anthem for fat women that don’t want to hit the gym. Do not be one of those women! Now I really want to see you. Maybe we should arrange a playdate, if you know what I mean? And I don’t need to go to a strip club if you’re willing to provide lap dances in the privacy of my living room. I have some fat stacks sitting around. What say you? 

From the rude and packing guy in Apartment Five

To the Rude Guy in Apartment Five,

You’re a disgusting pig. Maybe you should move back to New York City. Your offensive ways do not work here in SF. 

#4

P.S. Stop leaving me messages and how dare you leave me a book on juice fasting! You have no idea what I look like.

To Number Four,

Was it you that left the bag of dog poop on my doormat? Naughty naughty! Do you have a dog? I do not mean to be offensive, just friendly. Will you show me around SF?

You’re not so rude neighbor, Jagger

To The Rude Guy in Apartment Five,

No, no, and no.

#4

To Number Four,

Most women cry out yes, yes, yes when they’re with me. Just FYI.

You’re not so rude neighbor, Jagger

To The Rude Guy in Apartment Five,

I didn’t know plastic dolls said anything.

#4

To Number Four,

Is your pussy as smart as your mouth? If so, that could prove to be amazing.

You’re not so rude neighbor, Jagger

To The Rude Guy in Apartment Five,

Is your dick as small as your brain? It would make sense.

#4

To Number Four,

Come over tonight and find out for yourself.

You’re not so rude neighbor, Jagger

To The Rude Guy in Apartment Five,

I think not. I have standards. 

#4

To Number Four,

Do you totally want to bang me as much as I want to bang you?

You’re not so rude neighbor, Jagger

To The Rude Guy in Apartment Five,

Hell no.

#4

To Number Four,

I promise I can make your bed rock. All night long.

You’re not so rude neighbor, Jagger

I stared at the last note that the rude guy from Apartment five had left on my front door, screwed it up and left it on his doormat. This was ridiculous. It had been three weeks since he had moved in and the notes hadn’t eased up. I was even more surprised that I hadn’t seen him yet. I had a feeling he was either over 65, a teenager or a total troll. What sort of man left notes like this and thought they were okay? Absolutely bloody ridiculous. It was men like him that made me cringe when I thought about dating. I opened my apartment door and walked inside and resolved to stop replying to his infantile notes. Though I was very curious to see what he looked like. Very very curious.

I turned on the TV and then headed towards the kitchen to get a glass of water. I was exhausted from a long day of interviewing for a new job and didn’t feel like cooking, even though I was super hungry. I settled onto the couch and grabbed my phone and logged onto a food delivery site to see what I could order. It was between pizza and gyro’s and my stomach was growling just looking at the photos of the food. I knew I should order a salad or something, but who really wanted to eat a salad? Not me! I was about to place my order when I heard a knock on the door. I frowned slightly, not sure who could be visiting me and walked over and opened the door. There stood a man with a bouquet of roses in his hand and a wide smile on his face. My jaw dropped at the same time that his green eyes widened. 

“You’re number four?” He said, a glint in his eyes.

“You’re the rude guy in apartment five?” I glared at him, my heart racing. Because of course, why wouldn’t he be? My life was already crazy, why not make it just a little bit crazier.

“That’s me all right.” He licked his lips slowly and then said softly in a deep husky voice. “I wondered why you didn’t want to tell me your name. Now I know why.”

“I didn’t know it was you.” I pointed at him accusingly, his familiar sexy face making my face blush crimson red. “But I should have known.” I swallowed hard as I finished speaking because he took a step closer to me and looked like he wanted to come into my apartment.

“It’s a pleasure sleeping next to you, Magnolia Allen.” He leaned down and whispered in my ear, a small chuckle escaping his mouth as he pulled back. His green eyes seemed to be mocking me, challenging me in a way I didn’t like. I took a couple of deep breaths and then said, “In your dreams,” loudly. And before I could think about what I was doing, I had slammed the door in his face. Never in my life had I expected to see Kingston Jagger Scott again. I felt my knees shaking as I heard his loud laugh from outside the door.

“You can run, Magnolia, but you can’t hide.” He said through the door and with that I ran to my couch and buried my head in one of my couch cushions and screamed.

Are you ready to read the full book? Leave a comment below and let me know!

Preorder your copy now! Preorder here on: Amazon US, Amazon UK, Amazon AU, Amazon CA, iBooks, Nook.